The Big Move

8/15/05

The Big Move, and where did I save all the porn?

As I readied for the big move across country from my parents’ house to NYU, the two most prevalent thoughts fighting for my attention are: ‘holy crap I’m about to start dental school’, and ‘in what nether crooks and crannies of my hard drive did I save the porn?’ You see, I am undertaking the task of leaving my old PC behind, and unlike previous secession of computers, this particular one is actually not due to the prior machine's commitment of functionality seppuku. Hence, instead of the older machine being disposed via the tried and true “making it go away” modus operandi that involves some combination of beer, apartment roof, and a fire axe; this particular machine will be retired to my parents. Thus the porn hunt was on.

Like most college males of the recent era, porn has been an integral part of my life. From sneaking in the first tawdry, awkward glimpses of HBO’s Real Sex premier whilst the parents slept, to the furtive <120 seconds of hardcore footage visually experienced on the vacationing hotel-room’s TV while counting seconds so as to not go over the 2 minutes preview allowance and add 12.99 to the bill, to finally the availability bonanza but yet overall reduced satisfaction that accompanied the internet proliferation, porn has been a faithful companion, and excellent lubricant of life. Before I proceed further, to allay the notion that I am some greasy hermit who resides within the confines of a messy corner desk strewn with wadded tissues and leftover pizza, I clarify that I see porn as a lubricant of life, akin to the cold beers after a long day at the office or the happy ending after a Swedish massage, rather than a Huxley-ian soma needed for continued survival.

Indeed, through the transitions from high school to college, through the varied girlfriends (who if in case are reading, have all been lovely, yes, even you) porn has been an entertaining and comforting element. Although in my younger, less charming years porn was my sole source of sexual exploration (thank you catholic high school prudes!), I have found that even when I am in a healthy, stable, sex-filled relationship, once in a while I just want her to go away so I can have a burrito and enjoy some time alone with a pixilated Sylvia Saint.

Now, as I hunt through the recesses of my hard drive for all those clips which I at the time thought so cleverly to hide in various subfolders under c:\windows\system32\caroot2\{127D0A1D-4EF2-11D1-8608-00C04FC295EE}, I would like to take a short moment and salute all those who have experienced these great moments made possible by porn:

Getting on your roommate’s computer, changing the homepage on his internet explorer to chickswithdicks.com, and then subsequently springing this cyber ambuscade as he returned from class.
Doing a double-take while you're going to campus because the girl that just walked by looked like she was on an episode of Bangbus.
Goat sc. Especially if it’s projected onto some kind of public space.
Telling anyone that uses your computer to only use Mozilla because uh, internet explorer, uh, crashes your system.

I salute you for these glories, and now where the fuck did I save all of my porn?